The Slow Replacement Cycle

I am a Boomer, and as such I have grown used to being blamed for pretty much everything. I’ve reached an age where I can walk into a room, minding my own business, just doing old-guy things, and end up being held personally responsible for the housing market, climate change, Social Security and Medicare funding woes, avocado prices, and the emotional well‑being of a barista at Starbucks who wasn’t even born when I bought my first VCR.

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I spent decades thinking I was just living my life, raising kids and paying bills, but now my fellow Boomers and I are apparently the architects of every modern problem. According to the internet, we and we alone are the reason younger generations can’t buy houses, afford college, or find a job that doesn’t involve wearing a name tag. I swear to you I didn’t cause any of this. I was way too busy working two jobs for 50 years and going to dance recitals and ball games in my spare time.

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There is, however, one modern problem that I had a hand in bringing about. It is apparently called the Slow Replacement Cycle. To be honest, I didn’t even know this was a thing until I read about it on the internet, but it must be the real deal, because as we all know, they can’t put something on the web unless it is true. Anyway, according to the Slow Replacement Cycle Theory, Boomers tend to hold onto electronic devices longer, which some economists argue slows down demand in industries that rely on fast turnover, thus causing economic stagnation. In English, this means if something is still working, then the average Boomer will just keep on using it until it quits. Duh. Guilty as charged.

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Boomers, they say, are wrecking the economy because we don’t replace our devices every 18 months. This has, and I quote, “macroeconomic implications.” You know what? If I am happy writing my essays on this 2007 Gateway desktop that I bought for $50 from the local technical college 15 years ago, that is my business. Sure, I have to turn it off and then back on from time to time when it gets fussy, but as long as it does come back on, I’m keeping it.

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Another area where I am apparently single-handedly destroying the economy centers around my phone. I have a ten-year-old flip phone that fits nicely in my pocket, and I’m sorry, but if the thing still turns on when I push the button, why would I replace it? It takes calls, and it makes calls, and it does some other things that I have yet to master, and that’s all I need for it to do. It’s not a loaf of bread. It doesn’t go stale. And if the camera is a little fuzzy, well, so am I. We’re aging together. It’s called loyalty.

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Boomers are blamed for resisting change, which is pretty funny when you think about it because we were the generation that made resisting things a national pastime. We practically invented protest. But now, if I express even mild resistance to cars that need to be computers, I’m out of touch. For the record, I am not out of touch. I’m just thrifty, and I’m tired of always being the bad guy. There’s a big difference.

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Generational blame is America’s favorite indoor sport. It requires no equipment, no training, and no sense of history. You just pick a group, point dramatically, and unload on them. It’s cathartic, like yelling at the TV during football season, except the TV doesn’t yell back. Well, those new smart TVs do, or so I have been told. My console Philco with the Mediterranean woodwork is still working just fine, so no need to upgrade.

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Boomers sometimes holler back too, but that is usually because we didn’t hear you the first time. So yes, I am a Boomer, and if blaming me helps someone feel better about the rent or the state of the planet, then fine. I’ll take it. I’ve been blamed for worse.